day for turkeys.

and giving of thanks.

I suppose that is what is needed at the moment.

I got a sharp reality check last night before church that left me feeling like I'd gotten punched in the stomach and couldn't get my breath back for about 3 hours. 

I wanted to lie on the floor and not get up till I could go home for Christmas. But instead I went to church. Where all the songs about being thankful made me stand up on the inside and forgive myself and ask God to forgive me and then I could just be thankful for even that 

pardon of sin.

that mercy bought by the blood.

If I wasn't a Christian, I wouldn't be a very nice person. (cause it's our nature not to be...) but because I am a Christian, I have motivation and reason to grow. Be like Christ, not like this world anymore...

Some days I want to give up. I see no hope in this world, no direction.

I quit high school after the principal asked me to be his student director for some new projects they were doing to improve the school. I said no because I saw no hope. What if I had trusted the Hope that is in me? I regret that a lot. It's people that I saw no hope in. How un-Christ-like is that?

I have to learn to put people before myself, to love them and accept them. This life- whether you have a label or paid position or business card or not, if you're a Christian- this life is ministry. Ministry of reconciliation of people to God. To ever even get someone to listen to you, you have to care.

Sometimes I straight don't care about anyone but myself.

This is the war within me.

I want to do better.

Things I'm Thankful For

Family. (I love them so much...)

Friends. (I have really good friends, in OK and AL and CA and FL and....)

My spiritual health. (I'm going to heaven and I don't question the almightiness of my God.)

My health and bodily strength. (There are people that can't walk, talk, dance, take taekwon-do.)

My prosperity. (I don't have millions sitting in the bank, but at 19, living on my own, going to school, driving a nice car, living in a great place, eating out, having hobbies, a great job...)

My mental health and abilities. (I'm purty smart, I guess.)

My future. (Sometimes I have to remind myself, but God does have an awesome plan for my life.)

Lots of other things, but for the most part, they all fit under those categories.

I think Perspective is one of the most important things in life. I think perspective is what teenagers lack-- the whole "you're ruining my life/emo/etc" thing for teens is just that all they see is themselves not getting everything they want right away, but for pretty much anyone here in America, if we would take a single step back, we would see we have more blessings then anyone.

have fun today.

Much Love.

I'm not emo.

Even though I'm sitting at home, listening to Copeland, deciding what to do.

Which will probably end up being clean my room, take nyquil, and go to sleep.

I feel like my brain is waterlogged. My head is really heavy and nothing is making sense.

Everything I thought I knew doesn't matter and everything that does seems absurd.

Fine, I'll explain.

If i can.

Everytime I type something, my brain stops working, so I don't know where I'm going with it.

It's that ...

I am emo.

jk.

It's really that...

I'm sad that my best friend from high school is marrying someone else.

I hope he invites me.

I'm sad that I miss my family so much, and 

I'm scared I'll always be far away from them.

I'm lonely, but

I don't want anyone that close to me.

I hope I am a good person. I hope I am an example, some sort of encouragement to someone.

I hope that I do a good job. I hope that I serve God better everyday. I hope that growing up is not always pain. I hope that I don't always feel like people are not trustworthy.

I'm really sad right now.

But.

These are the times you get to pull yourself together.

Stand a little taller.

Walk a little more confident, because you know who God is.

and even when you don't trust yourself,

you can trust God.

He is faithful and true.

Hell is real.

Heaven is real.

I want the ones I love to know this.

"Be like a turtle, have a hard shell and a soft heart."

Be God-conscious and people- hearted.

This is me in a box. (Help! I'm in a box.)

Good night.

pressure

A few days ago, I started reading a book called Writing Down the Bones. It's about ...writing, less about the rules of do and don't, but about writing freely from within yourself. The author feels she learned how to do this through the Zen religion, which I don't agree with, but meditation of the rights things and the practice and discipline required to sit and calm yourself to that point is a neat quality to apply to writing. As far as I've read, I understand it to be that you pretty much let yourself write crap. Don't expect to write classics and beauty in every line, because then you will disappoint and discourage yourself. Just write.

In my first exercise of this practice of 'just writing,' without expectations, this is what i wrote:

Heavy drops fall hard 

against my window.

It sounds like marbles,

exploding from their bag,

colliding with linoleum.

A familiar sound.

The same in every state.

It brings refreshing and

growth. A cleansing torrent.

The lightning ignites my

room for seconds, leaving

me lonely with

only echoing thunder

for company.

Companions.

The sound is soothing

and the thirst of the

ground quenched.

Pour, rain.

Pouring rain.

I was surprised and satisfied.

i'm listening to the abba greatest hits album. Dancing Queen.

much love