I've already tried crying myself to sleep.

To drain myself of this emotion while also exhausting my energy supply (I was tired) to hopefully fall into something of a restful sleep.

I am so mad. at myself. (tears)

I am a terrible Christian.

I mean, I suppose we all are, all our humanity involved mucks everything up.

But I think that I am a terrible attempt at Christianity. Yes, I'm being hard on myself.

I am just desperate.

Desperate to have purpose and a goal.

To have strength and peace and joy. All these things are promised us, and perhaps it is my ignorance in all this knowledge that keeps me from them. I say, "God, I have this problem." But I never say, "What do You want me to do?" and I surely never stop running around to listen. Someone tie me to a chair. Someone make my brain stop turning. Someone make my heart softer and more open to the GOD I KNOW IS SPEAKING.

God, forgive me for my weakness.

and forgive me for thinking i am strong.

just forgive me.

help me to pick one side, hopefully yours, and not be this lukewarm thing anymore.

I need hope.

I need silence.

I need love.

and knowing all i need, i have less hope that i will ever be anything worth being.

I'm down; sorry for the downer note.

But I've already tried crying myself to sleep.