I've already tried crying myself to sleep.

To drain myself of this emotion while also exhausting my energy supply (I was tired) to hopefully fall into something of a restful sleep.

I am so mad. at myself. (tears)

I am a terrible Christian.

I mean, I suppose we all are, all our humanity involved mucks everything up.

But I think that I am a terrible attempt at Christianity. Yes, I'm being hard on myself.

I am just desperate.

Desperate to have purpose and a goal.

To have strength and peace and joy. All these things are promised us, and perhaps it is my ignorance in all this knowledge that keeps me from them. I say, "God, I have this problem." But I never say, "What do You want me to do?" and I surely never stop running around to listen. Someone tie me to a chair. Someone make my brain stop turning. Someone make my heart softer and more open to the GOD I KNOW IS SPEAKING.

God, forgive me for my weakness.

and forgive me for thinking i am strong.

just forgive me.

help me to pick one side, hopefully yours, and not be this lukewarm thing anymore.

I need hope.

I need silence.

I need love.

and knowing all i need, i have less hope that i will ever be anything worth being.

I'm down; sorry for the downer note.

But I've already tried crying myself to sleep.

i want matchbox 20.

because I am a wreck.
I am a mess.
I am a spot on the pavement.

but no one is perfect.
so i'm slowly learning to forgive my mistakes and
give myself a little grace.

I'm also learning to say, "oh well."
i'm trying to learn to enjoy where I am, rather than wish or worry or wonder.

I'm trying to stand on my own two feet.
then i remember i should really be sitting at yours.

i am indistinct.
i see myself all fuzzy and undefined.

I need definition. from.... something.

I'm in such denial.
(no im not.)

i used to be comfortable with myself, confident in my quirkiness. Then i just stopped trying to be different, and now i can't fit in, and i don't know where to go, so i feel like i've lost that confidence. I don't know what i'm supposed to be confident in.

which, i know, is a terrible thing to say, as a Christian. I should be confident in God, and I am confident that God is God. But Who Am I?

i suppose the purpose of defining myself by his word is that it is the only thing that doesn't change.
all the other interests jobs majors schools friends churches and favorite coffee drinks change.

i feel like a pin ball. im everywhere, and just getting hit a lot.

I probably need to run more, if i'm having this much inner energy pile-up. Also I would like to spar, and i believe im going to start doing all my forms as the sun comes up. i am mr. miyagi.

all i see is a small child, whose voice is light and always ingenuous, pointing, saying, there is god, and hoping i follow truth.

but the storm tossing her hair is my life, about to come crashing down in thunder and lightning.

confession.

First note: I’m on a lot of medicine, mostly sleep medicine. I’ll call you in three days when I wake up.

Second: In my delusion of body and clarity of mind, I’ve been having a lot of thoughts. I realized some things… For most of my life, I’ve acted and thought with a religious mindset. Religious meaning to look good because I’m supposed to look good, not because I am passionate about something religious.

This religiosity kept me a shiny, goody-two-shoes throughout middle school and most of high school. But religion is appearance, not heart, and I became an angry-inside, depressed-outside, but still go to church and be on a giddy high for 24 hours teenager. (Church is awesome, but not a substitute for a personal relationship with the God worshipped in service.)

Religion has worn me down, but now I know and recognize it. And I refuse it, but I am left with nothing. I feel like I am starting new, I’m a baby. Not that I am a new Christian; I prayed the prayer a long time ago…. And have been a shiny Christian on the outside since. However, I am now struggling with the inside. I am not a green, living branch, vitally connected, as I should be. I am a massacred limb, hanging by a thread, even as my insides dry out. I am threatened with being cut off, my mediocre color and my lukewarm life are dancing dangerously close to a cliff whose gulley I don’t want to see.

I question purpose, yet do not wait to hear an answer. I wail for direction in daylight and analyze till I sleep in darkness.

I am in conflict. I am in trouble. I have knowledge, and no revelation. I have religion and no relationship. I am what I have always judged and thought myself above.

I wrote in my journal, “I have fallen from the cliffs of morality. My standards are at sea level.”

And I cannot feign ignorance. I must act.

But I hesitate that my actions be motivated by appearance. I want relationship. I want direction. I am drying up without living water, yet I wait so that I do not drink to please people.

I want to want to please God.

Which starts with knowing what He desires. In a heart to heart way. In an “I live and act a certain way in order to please my Father” way.

This is my desire. This is my confession. I have been false. I am being made new. Starting from the inside out.

Dear Lord….

Introspection, slimy with emotion

foul fit of rage,

fury and disgrace.

a cloudy storm of words

and bad attitudes.

a terrible excuse to

cuss, deeply

because it's the only thing

you're thinking.

and all is questioned.

and all is despised.

and all is less.

i have become a hardened person.

introverted. intentionally.

I don't care to know you, cause you will not be there anyway.

I don't accept you, cause I don't accept myself currently.

I judge harshly.

I cling.

Because I'm not good at balancing on my own.

I am analytical.

Logical.

Dogmatic.

Legalistic.

I don't see any reason in dolling up with pretty clothes and doing my hair and makeup everyday, because I don't think there is anyone here to impress. and I don't do it for myself, because i don't care. But I'm jealous of all the girls that do.

I am dissatisfied but know that moving states or schools or getting belts or degrees will not bring satisfaction.

All of this is heart.

All of this is internal.

It's attitude, mindset, outlook.

and it seems that I have asked for so long to have easy situations, instead of asking to be a strong person, that I am not a strong person.

I know a lot. and I talk a good talk.

But i am dissatisfied.

and it's a heart thing.

I want to stand up and dust off all this mess, but I don't want to fall again on the same rock in the same place.

time for a change.....

No, really.

I'm having a hard time.

right now.

all the restrictions and rules and regulations here at school are getting to me.

and i guess i should put into practice my submission and authority class, and "enjoy" the humbling experience.

I guess I'm not one for micromanagement and notarized excuses from your mother to miss a chapel to have a job.

or sleep early on monday nights or sign out on mondays.

curfew. cafeteria. call your mother to ask permission for things.

i should be able to put my pride and the rebellion (that is called witchcraft) under enough to not get really upset by these rules or annoying Inconveniences.

yet i am distressed and really angry and then feel sick and can't sleep, which is very very odd.

yeah i just had to write because i was frustrated/offended/mad/upset/sad/sick in about 5 minutes.

and i don't want to be that person that rebels.

because that wouldn't be a problem on their part, even if they are kind of douche-y about their rules,

it would be a problem on my part...

for not submitting to (God-placed) authority in my life (that does, technically, have some reason for their rules, even if I don't agree)

for having a bad attitude

and for sinning, just because I'm angry.

sigh.

Its just really

hard to be a

decent human

being.

Gray day.

Whenever I start writing, my first thought is "Soooo..." and then I get stuck.

But I have a lot to say today.

Because I felt like I'm going crazy.

When I finally got my brain to stop yelling at me and my stomach to stop twisting,

and basically stop having a panic attack,

I got really mad because I realized every time I say to myself, "Self, I need to dedicate my life more, be sure that my attitudes and actions line up with the Word of God, am being pleasing to Him, am in the right place at the right time, etc." and start to dig in, all the sudden I am slammed. If it were a physical attack, I would have been thrown against a wall and beaten to nearness of non-existence, or at least the wish for. Of course, it wasn't physical; I haven't been punched in the face today. But mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, I feel like i have just been wrung out, and I really don't think I had much there to begin with.

Moving on. That was just an intro.

Because HOPEFULLY, from this rotten (repetitive) experience, I have learned some things.

First, what you put in is what you get out.

Second, Romans 12:1-2 is essential.

Third, if you do everything in your own strength, it will wear out long before everything is complete.

What you put into your mind and heart are what you will get out. I am pretty spoiled with food. I work at Outback- I eat good food, for cheap, whenever I want. It's the saying, "You feed your body three hot meals a day, but your spirit only a cold snack a week," and the story about the two dogs. One dog the owner would starve and then bet money on the other dog, knowing the starving one would be weak and lose. If I starve my spirit, I cannot expect it to be the strong leader in my life.

Which leads me to Romans 12:1-2, which says "I beseech you therefore, brethen, by the mercies of God, that you present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable to God, which is your reasonable service. And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God." Keep your body under and wash your mind with the Word. Neither of which I seem to have been doing lately. My mind thinks it can think anything it wants, so I catch myself daydreaming (a lot) about things (certain things), and thinking words that I shouldn't think (at all). My body thinks it is in charge, drink, eat, sleep, live like an animal, led only by physical instinct, which is repulsive and annoying.

As a born-again, spirit-filled Christian, I... should be fighting this fight. I was going to say I should not be, but I absolutely should be. When you don't have to anymore, come tell me. I should be fighting to keep my mind and body in submission to my spirit. But starting over is HARD. At least, it feels like I am starting over. ...It's my own fault though. Hot meals/cold snack again.

I feel like I've analyzed (harshly) enough for one day.

I won't be a weak person, a hypocritical Christian.

I am a person that can be respected for my discipline, self control, compassion, love walk, love for God, and prayer life.

I want to grow.

I guess that's what this is, and I guess it can be hard some days....

(especially when it's cold and gray outside, and all the music is too loud, and I'm lonely in a crowd.. That's a sad day.)

peace.

the UK is OK

(actually it is splendid and fantastic and wonderful)

Yesterday I was in England.

I have started and deleted my beginnings on this blog four times.

I don't know how to creatively say I loved England, except I really loved England.

The experience was, of course, brought to perfection by the company I kept.

Culture Shock:

Maybe it was all the anticipation and excitement about being in England that left me basically clueless once my feet touched the ground, but I was absolutely without words for a few hours. Then I went to sleep, and it helped. I was also unsure of how it could be SO different.

By the end of the week, it felt just right, but at first, it definitely felt like I was in the worst fitting outfit ever.

Things Same:

There were people who ate food and drank drink. There were buildings with windows and doors, and there were streets with cars on them.

Things Different:

There were people everywhere, walking everywhere, all dressed so cool. (90% of the girls had leggings and microskirts/shorts/shirts.)

The food was good, despite rumors of blandness. Quick Food List: Baked Potato "Jacket", Fish and Chips!, Macaroni Cheese and Broccoli Bake (Delicious), Kebabs, PIZZA (straight from heaven), and some other stuff. I did not have meat pie. I missed out. Oh Well.

The drinks.... They drink often. A pub is home, drinking is hobby, beer is equivalent to soda, drinks specials are everywhere.

The buildings were tall, piled onto each other, and beautiful. Aesthetic effect is equally important as function. I really like statues and sculptures, so the gargoyles (yeah, I knew how to spell that.) on the buildings were so cool. Tom pointed out the different "sides" of the city. There is an older part, with darker buildings, statues, etc, and a more modern part, with more steel and glass buildings.

The streets were... wild. There were lanes, but the lines were not clearly defined; there are speed limits. There are street lights, and they are obeyed (which, yes, is different than this country). It seems like there are a lot of cars, but there are so many buses that the number of cars is kept very low, I'm sure. The buses are huge; the double deckers are really fun, and sitting in the very front is like a roller coaster. Even with the abundance and efficiency of public transportation, most people still walked everywhere. So cool.

What else????

Everyone I talked to went to class for a few (6-10) hours a week and, basically, had the rest of the time free. I really can't even imagine that much free time. I would pry feel lost without a job and requirements on 75% of my time....

Church.... God, religion, faith sadly did not seem to be a vital part of anyone's life. It was really sad. I don't really know what to say about it; it's a choice, but if the choice to not be involved is made as a result of culture and a lack of good churches and ignorance, then it's not really a well-informed decision. People are people; without God, they are lost and looking for something, whether they know it or not.... It kind of stressed me out. I hate being in large groups that I know don't know about Christ. Hell is hot. That's all.

Tom... I don't think I will share more than the fact that I like him a lot. That's all.

Upon Returning to the States:

My first thought was "US SOIL! Thank God!"

My second: "...and US stress. great."

I just realized how long this is. More later, maybe. I'm glad to be home, but I miss all my new and excellent friends in England, none of which are English. I also miss the complete absence of responsibility, but it was a good break and I will use it as a refresher to dig back into this madness and enjoy this time of college and hectic life... with a good attitude and a latte.

Oh and I will add that Italian coffee, made by an Italian, is incredible. Peace.

(Whitby next blog.....)