i know its silly

that i haven't posted in so long.

i feel bad that i haven't.

i need to write.

it's pretty important to me.

i've had a very physically exhausting weekend, and a very emotionally exhausting couple of days.

but this is a really good song and that helps.

it is beautiful outside and that helps.

today i have been pondering too deeply the importance of music in my life.

I love music.

If i could do anything with my life, no restraints, I would be a lead singer and be in a band and make amazing music and tour and make videos and just live music.

alas, i am neither a very good singer nor meant to be an awesome music-producing machine.

so then what is this passion that i question to be so foolish?

i am a perfectionist. hello, nice to meet you.

bah i wish i could just see the better way/attitude/purpose, and go with it. of course, things are not as exciting when they are so easy...

there is so much.

perhaps i will bring method to this madness at a later time. perhaps in april.

for now trampoline...

Wow. Not since November.

I haven't written in awhile,

but

that's because I broke my hand two weeks after my last post.

and

it's hard to type with a broken hand.

it's hard to do a lot of things with a broken hand.

But I went to the doctor (again) on Friday and I am not wearing a cast or brace or anything anymore.

So I am free to type away.

If only my thoughts were not a jumbled circus of emotion and confusion.

But that they would just gracefully dance onto the page to make sense for you

and me.

i feel a lot.

but i think it's very wrong to be led by emotion

and it's my new bad habit

so i'm trying to stop.

so at the moment, i'm not going to write what i feel.

perhaps in a few days i will write what i 

think

or believe

or observe.

Today it is just

hello

im not dead

and i have two hands again.

talk

to

you

soon.

day for turkeys.

and giving of thanks.

I suppose that is what is needed at the moment.

I got a sharp reality check last night before church that left me feeling like I'd gotten punched in the stomach and couldn't get my breath back for about 3 hours. 

I wanted to lie on the floor and not get up till I could go home for Christmas. But instead I went to church. Where all the songs about being thankful made me stand up on the inside and forgive myself and ask God to forgive me and then I could just be thankful for even that 

pardon of sin.

that mercy bought by the blood.

If I wasn't a Christian, I wouldn't be a very nice person. (cause it's our nature not to be...) but because I am a Christian, I have motivation and reason to grow. Be like Christ, not like this world anymore...

Some days I want to give up. I see no hope in this world, no direction.

I quit high school after the principal asked me to be his student director for some new projects they were doing to improve the school. I said no because I saw no hope. What if I had trusted the Hope that is in me? I regret that a lot. It's people that I saw no hope in. How un-Christ-like is that?

I have to learn to put people before myself, to love them and accept them. This life- whether you have a label or paid position or business card or not, if you're a Christian- this life is ministry. Ministry of reconciliation of people to God. To ever even get someone to listen to you, you have to care.

Sometimes I straight don't care about anyone but myself.

This is the war within me.

I want to do better.

Things I'm Thankful For

Family. (I love them so much...)

Friends. (I have really good friends, in OK and AL and CA and FL and....)

My spiritual health. (I'm going to heaven and I don't question the almightiness of my God.)

My health and bodily strength. (There are people that can't walk, talk, dance, take taekwon-do.)

My prosperity. (I don't have millions sitting in the bank, but at 19, living on my own, going to school, driving a nice car, living in a great place, eating out, having hobbies, a great job...)

My mental health and abilities. (I'm purty smart, I guess.)

My future. (Sometimes I have to remind myself, but God does have an awesome plan for my life.)

Lots of other things, but for the most part, they all fit under those categories.

I think Perspective is one of the most important things in life. I think perspective is what teenagers lack-- the whole "you're ruining my life/emo/etc" thing for teens is just that all they see is themselves not getting everything they want right away, but for pretty much anyone here in America, if we would take a single step back, we would see we have more blessings then anyone.

have fun today.

Much Love.

I'm not emo.

Even though I'm sitting at home, listening to Copeland, deciding what to do.

Which will probably end up being clean my room, take nyquil, and go to sleep.

I feel like my brain is waterlogged. My head is really heavy and nothing is making sense.

Everything I thought I knew doesn't matter and everything that does seems absurd.

Fine, I'll explain.

If i can.

Everytime I type something, my brain stops working, so I don't know where I'm going with it.

It's that ...

I am emo.

jk.

It's really that...

I'm sad that my best friend from high school is marrying someone else.

I hope he invites me.

I'm sad that I miss my family so much, and 

I'm scared I'll always be far away from them.

I'm lonely, but

I don't want anyone that close to me.

I hope I am a good person. I hope I am an example, some sort of encouragement to someone.

I hope that I do a good job. I hope that I serve God better everyday. I hope that growing up is not always pain. I hope that I don't always feel like people are not trustworthy.

I'm really sad right now.

But.

These are the times you get to pull yourself together.

Stand a little taller.

Walk a little more confident, because you know who God is.

and even when you don't trust yourself,

you can trust God.

He is faithful and true.

Hell is real.

Heaven is real.

I want the ones I love to know this.

"Be like a turtle, have a hard shell and a soft heart."

Be God-conscious and people- hearted.

This is me in a box. (Help! I'm in a box.)

Good night.

pressure

A few days ago, I started reading a book called Writing Down the Bones. It's about ...writing, less about the rules of do and don't, but about writing freely from within yourself. The author feels she learned how to do this through the Zen religion, which I don't agree with, but meditation of the rights things and the practice and discipline required to sit and calm yourself to that point is a neat quality to apply to writing. As far as I've read, I understand it to be that you pretty much let yourself write crap. Don't expect to write classics and beauty in every line, because then you will disappoint and discourage yourself. Just write.

In my first exercise of this practice of 'just writing,' without expectations, this is what i wrote:

Heavy drops fall hard 

against my window.

It sounds like marbles,

exploding from their bag,

colliding with linoleum.

A familiar sound.

The same in every state.

It brings refreshing and

growth. A cleansing torrent.

The lightning ignites my

room for seconds, leaving

me lonely with

only echoing thunder

for company.

Companions.

The sound is soothing

and the thirst of the

ground quenched.

Pour, rain.

Pouring rain.

I was surprised and satisfied.

i'm listening to the abba greatest hits album. Dancing Queen.

much love

this post is

for michael johnson's entertainment at work.

because most people need entertainment at work, even though they are working and so should have something to do....

this is just a quick, but thorough analyzation of all my current thoughts.

First, halloween. Why's everybody gotta be a pirate? I'm the pirate. Everyone else, just quit tripping. Don't even try.

Second, Serving. Tables. is it consistent in any form? Consistently inconsistent, as they would say.

today.... was interesting, concerning work. The people are, in fact, awesome. But what is the relationship worth, if there is no effect? Am i a light? or just some other person that calls themself a christian and doesnt affect anyone? How do i witness to somebody, who has a headache or is just bummed that they havent been making all that much money? Do i just put it out there? Hey Jesus is the Healer. Can I pray for you? (The answer is yes.)

I feel like serving tables isn't fair. I feel like I work hard to please--- completely surpass, actually-- their expectations, meet all their desires, hopefully before they say anything, and entertain and everything else, but i don't know them, they are necessarily pleasant to talk to, some of them smell. I don't know them, like.....

hmm. Yeah I just thought of the servanthood of Jesus. and He didn't even get tipped.

But I don't get to tell them about God.

hmm OKAY GOD!!!!! 

I just thought that I shouldn't have to speak and tell them I'm a Christian.

So this blog turned into the Holy Ghost telling me to get my attitude right.

sometimes, i just sound like im rambling in my blogs. thats why its hard to have a blog about a specific subject. I have a lot more to say that just what i would say about ... food. or clothes. or gardening.

so my topic of this blog site is Random Thoughts, Random Things. Hope that helps narrow it down.

im so tired. I didn't physically feel tired. but it was only in my head. My mind was awake. I need to do suduko and memorize things so my brain can get a good workout. But my body is so tired. so i sorta lost the balance of this tray and threw water all over a table, and it all went tumbling downhill after that. 

this blog is neither grammatically correct, nor does it follow the rules of correct writing techniques.

But I can do that, bc I don't have a journalism degree yet.

and

I do what I want.

and i want to close my eyes and not wake up till things are all right in my life.

But then I would be dead.

so instead i will settle for just being content in this mess.

God bless the Mess.

I miss my grandparents.

On their fridge, it says "The house was clean yesterday. Sorry you missed it."

and with that, i will say good night.

buenas noches. i wish i knew languages.

Similar to Torture and Other Thoughts

Prelude: These are some current issues in my own life, which is what this whole blog is about, confronting things, learning from them, instead of being overcome by them.

I have a new catchphrase, for lack of a better term, to live my life by..

Purity of Mind, Purity of Life. (That's mine, if you steal it, I'll roundhouse kick you.)

This seems very obvious as something that we should have, and it seems that it would be relatively easy.. 

But for whatever reason, I find myself struggling intensely with Lust.

It seems so strange to say; I almost laughed out loud to say that.

But it is something that we are so surrounded by, that it is not a simple thing to avoid hearing and seeing and knowing things about things that you might not by ready for, let alone want to know.

I just think it's sad that people are bombarded with a message that should be kept in the dark stores with bright signs in the middle of nowhere, Arkansas.

With this issue, there is then the question of an action in response. How do you have purity in this mess? Walk purely, think purely?

I think the real issue is what we think. Everything starts in the mind, the thoughts.

Hence Paul's statement, (we) bring every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ (1 Cor. 10:5) and Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God (Romans 12:2).

But it is so easy to go along with what we hear and see so much of in the media.

(written a couple days ago.)

written today:

sometimes i think that you can't trust anyone, ever really know anyone, that you can have fun with people and have friendships, but they are never really who you think they are.

I guess that's why you should trust God more than any person.

Think Pure. Live Pure.

I sound like a purity salesman. "Buy now for only $9.99!"

God is so good, no matter the circumstance, situation, injury, insult, emotion, thought, idea, person, place, or thing. (That's a noun, by definition.)

I'm writing a letter to be published.

I'm writing a short story to win three thousand dollars.

and I give excellent service at Outback.

Have a good night, loyalty and royalty.