day for turkeys.

and giving of thanks.

I suppose that is what is needed at the moment.

I got a sharp reality check last night before church that left me feeling like I'd gotten punched in the stomach and couldn't get my breath back for about 3 hours. 

I wanted to lie on the floor and not get up till I could go home for Christmas. But instead I went to church. Where all the songs about being thankful made me stand up on the inside and forgive myself and ask God to forgive me and then I could just be thankful for even that 

pardon of sin.

that mercy bought by the blood.

If I wasn't a Christian, I wouldn't be a very nice person. (cause it's our nature not to be...) but because I am a Christian, I have motivation and reason to grow. Be like Christ, not like this world anymore...

Some days I want to give up. I see no hope in this world, no direction.

I quit high school after the principal asked me to be his student director for some new projects they were doing to improve the school. I said no because I saw no hope. What if I had trusted the Hope that is in me? I regret that a lot. It's people that I saw no hope in. How un-Christ-like is that?

I have to learn to put people before myself, to love them and accept them. This life- whether you have a label or paid position or business card or not, if you're a Christian- this life is ministry. Ministry of reconciliation of people to God. To ever even get someone to listen to you, you have to care.

Sometimes I straight don't care about anyone but myself.

This is the war within me.

I want to do better.

Things I'm Thankful For

Family. (I love them so much...)

Friends. (I have really good friends, in OK and AL and CA and FL and....)

My spiritual health. (I'm going to heaven and I don't question the almightiness of my God.)

My health and bodily strength. (There are people that can't walk, talk, dance, take taekwon-do.)

My prosperity. (I don't have millions sitting in the bank, but at 19, living on my own, going to school, driving a nice car, living in a great place, eating out, having hobbies, a great job...)

My mental health and abilities. (I'm purty smart, I guess.)

My future. (Sometimes I have to remind myself, but God does have an awesome plan for my life.)

Lots of other things, but for the most part, they all fit under those categories.

I think Perspective is one of the most important things in life. I think perspective is what teenagers lack-- the whole "you're ruining my life/emo/etc" thing for teens is just that all they see is themselves not getting everything they want right away, but for pretty much anyone here in America, if we would take a single step back, we would see we have more blessings then anyone.

have fun today.

Much Love.

I'm not emo.

Even though I'm sitting at home, listening to Copeland, deciding what to do.

Which will probably end up being clean my room, take nyquil, and go to sleep.

I feel like my brain is waterlogged. My head is really heavy and nothing is making sense.

Everything I thought I knew doesn't matter and everything that does seems absurd.

Fine, I'll explain.

If i can.

Everytime I type something, my brain stops working, so I don't know where I'm going with it.

It's that ...

I am emo.

jk.

It's really that...

I'm sad that my best friend from high school is marrying someone else.

I hope he invites me.

I'm sad that I miss my family so much, and 

I'm scared I'll always be far away from them.

I'm lonely, but

I don't want anyone that close to me.

I hope I am a good person. I hope I am an example, some sort of encouragement to someone.

I hope that I do a good job. I hope that I serve God better everyday. I hope that growing up is not always pain. I hope that I don't always feel like people are not trustworthy.

I'm really sad right now.

But.

These are the times you get to pull yourself together.

Stand a little taller.

Walk a little more confident, because you know who God is.

and even when you don't trust yourself,

you can trust God.

He is faithful and true.

Hell is real.

Heaven is real.

I want the ones I love to know this.

"Be like a turtle, have a hard shell and a soft heart."

Be God-conscious and people- hearted.

This is me in a box. (Help! I'm in a box.)

Good night.

pressure

A few days ago, I started reading a book called Writing Down the Bones. It's about ...writing, less about the rules of do and don't, but about writing freely from within yourself. The author feels she learned how to do this through the Zen religion, which I don't agree with, but meditation of the rights things and the practice and discipline required to sit and calm yourself to that point is a neat quality to apply to writing. As far as I've read, I understand it to be that you pretty much let yourself write crap. Don't expect to write classics and beauty in every line, because then you will disappoint and discourage yourself. Just write.

In my first exercise of this practice of 'just writing,' without expectations, this is what i wrote:

Heavy drops fall hard 

against my window.

It sounds like marbles,

exploding from their bag,

colliding with linoleum.

A familiar sound.

The same in every state.

It brings refreshing and

growth. A cleansing torrent.

The lightning ignites my

room for seconds, leaving

me lonely with

only echoing thunder

for company.

Companions.

The sound is soothing

and the thirst of the

ground quenched.

Pour, rain.

Pouring rain.

I was surprised and satisfied.

i'm listening to the abba greatest hits album. Dancing Queen.

much love

this post is

for michael johnson's entertainment at work.

because most people need entertainment at work, even though they are working and so should have something to do....

this is just a quick, but thorough analyzation of all my current thoughts.

First, halloween. Why's everybody gotta be a pirate? I'm the pirate. Everyone else, just quit tripping. Don't even try.

Second, Serving. Tables. is it consistent in any form? Consistently inconsistent, as they would say.

today.... was interesting, concerning work. The people are, in fact, awesome. But what is the relationship worth, if there is no effect? Am i a light? or just some other person that calls themself a christian and doesnt affect anyone? How do i witness to somebody, who has a headache or is just bummed that they havent been making all that much money? Do i just put it out there? Hey Jesus is the Healer. Can I pray for you? (The answer is yes.)

I feel like serving tables isn't fair. I feel like I work hard to please--- completely surpass, actually-- their expectations, meet all their desires, hopefully before they say anything, and entertain and everything else, but i don't know them, they are necessarily pleasant to talk to, some of them smell. I don't know them, like.....

hmm. Yeah I just thought of the servanthood of Jesus. and He didn't even get tipped.

But I don't get to tell them about God.

hmm OKAY GOD!!!!! 

I just thought that I shouldn't have to speak and tell them I'm a Christian.

So this blog turned into the Holy Ghost telling me to get my attitude right.

sometimes, i just sound like im rambling in my blogs. thats why its hard to have a blog about a specific subject. I have a lot more to say that just what i would say about ... food. or clothes. or gardening.

so my topic of this blog site is Random Thoughts, Random Things. Hope that helps narrow it down.

im so tired. I didn't physically feel tired. but it was only in my head. My mind was awake. I need to do suduko and memorize things so my brain can get a good workout. But my body is so tired. so i sorta lost the balance of this tray and threw water all over a table, and it all went tumbling downhill after that. 

this blog is neither grammatically correct, nor does it follow the rules of correct writing techniques.

But I can do that, bc I don't have a journalism degree yet.

and

I do what I want.

and i want to close my eyes and not wake up till things are all right in my life.

But then I would be dead.

so instead i will settle for just being content in this mess.

God bless the Mess.

I miss my grandparents.

On their fridge, it says "The house was clean yesterday. Sorry you missed it."

and with that, i will say good night.

buenas noches. i wish i knew languages.

Similar to Torture and Other Thoughts

Prelude: These are some current issues in my own life, which is what this whole blog is about, confronting things, learning from them, instead of being overcome by them.

I have a new catchphrase, for lack of a better term, to live my life by..

Purity of Mind, Purity of Life. (That's mine, if you steal it, I'll roundhouse kick you.)

This seems very obvious as something that we should have, and it seems that it would be relatively easy.. 

But for whatever reason, I find myself struggling intensely with Lust.

It seems so strange to say; I almost laughed out loud to say that.

But it is something that we are so surrounded by, that it is not a simple thing to avoid hearing and seeing and knowing things about things that you might not by ready for, let alone want to know.

I just think it's sad that people are bombarded with a message that should be kept in the dark stores with bright signs in the middle of nowhere, Arkansas.

With this issue, there is then the question of an action in response. How do you have purity in this mess? Walk purely, think purely?

I think the real issue is what we think. Everything starts in the mind, the thoughts.

Hence Paul's statement, (we) bring every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ (1 Cor. 10:5) and Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God (Romans 12:2).

But it is so easy to go along with what we hear and see so much of in the media.

(written a couple days ago.)

written today:

sometimes i think that you can't trust anyone, ever really know anyone, that you can have fun with people and have friendships, but they are never really who you think they are.

I guess that's why you should trust God more than any person.

Think Pure. Live Pure.

I sound like a purity salesman. "Buy now for only $9.99!"

God is so good, no matter the circumstance, situation, injury, insult, emotion, thought, idea, person, place, or thing. (That's a noun, by definition.)

I'm writing a letter to be published.

I'm writing a short story to win three thousand dollars.

and I give excellent service at Outback.

Have a good night, loyalty and royalty.

driving to

alabama.

and my font is georgia.

this is a dumb blog. similar to the dumb blonde, less jokes.

im just keeding, blondies.

i have some serious thoughts that have been bouncing around in my head that i would like to sort out, so i have a nine to ten hour drive ahead of me. so hopefully this evening, perhaps at some random place along the way, I will be able to give you some insight into these thoughts.

sneak peek: Title: "Similar to Torture."

It'll be good. :)

Also, success story.

My friend that I have been ministering to for a while now got saved and filled last saturday, and spoke in tongues on Wednesday. The change was incredible; she was so joyful. It was awesome. 

All right.

Happy Friday to all and to all, a good Friday.

i find it hard to write

when i have so much to say.

i lack organization in my thoughts.

a few of them in the clearest way possible.

a quote: The two factors that influence you the most in your life are the books you read and the people you're around.

(note: not the tv series you watch, just saying)

In the past few days, I find conflict continually. In interest, purpose, and passion, among many other things.

In passion, I've realized that there are so many things that I genuinely enjoy that it is difficult to concentrate and excel in one without longing for another, and I question if the concentrated one is the right one for the time, if it has purpose. But of the many things that I seem to be so strongly drawn to, it is reading that I find most liberating, fulfilling, and overall satisfying.

But I would love to be on a stage. Acting, performing, singing, playing music... 

Or I would love to be writing something that was strong enough and full enough that it made a difference.

I think I will achieve this one someday.

I think that growing up is not defined by age, but by outlook (of course), and that growing old is determined the same way. It's the vague lines between immaturity and maturity, maturity and elderly.

Haha.

I think that if you allow yourself to grow and learn from situations without losing your zeal for life, you're maturing. It's just that you have to feel pain to experience pleasure, without becoming bitter.

I am only writing about this because I am experiencing it.

I should not be growing elderly so young.

I will not.

This above all: to thine own self be true,

And it must follow, as the night the day,

Thou canst not then be false to any man.

-Polonius in 'Hamlet'

Not the best of characters in the play, but the line just struck me. Motivation.

Follow your heart.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways, acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5-6

I said when I was young that I didn't want to do anything for my whole life that didn't directly affect the kingdom of God.

I still don't.

More soon.

Peace.

Second Post.

First of the month.

One a month?

We're doing good so far.

I'm not a big fan of large fonts.

Since discussing attitude, I realized that a lot of the time, I just don't feel much of anything. I think it's because for so long, I was so stressed and overly emotional. Up and down, over and over, that now, I'm almost too mellow.

I would like to laugh more.

I like waking up laughing.

Joy is so awesome.

Nehemiah 8:10 For the joy of the Lord is your strength.

Philippians 4:4 Rejoice in the Lord! 

It's such an incredible thing that God has provided in every area; He knows that we as humans worry and fret and need to just bypass our brains sometimes and laugh. So He gave us joy through his Spirit.

I love the Holy Spirit.

I can't pretend to live life without knowing Him and living for God and that it is only in Him and through Him that I live and breathe and stay sane.

God is so worthy of praise and glory and our lives being wholly devoted to Him.

Lately, I've really had the lost on my heart. The lost being people who have not accepted Jesus Christ as their personal savior and who understand all that was given to us through the sacrifice He made.

Christians, there are people all around you that are going to hell, simply for the fact that they don't know Jesus.

What are you doing about it?

I want to do better in this area. I can honestly say (and hang my head in shame) that I have not, on my own, led someone to God in the US... ever. In Mexico, on a mission trip in the eighth grade, yes, a few.

I want to make a difference, 

pull people out of the flames that are leaving their scent on their clothes even as they live in this world.

progress will be posted.

more soon.

God bless.

First Post

I have been dizzy since 11:30 this morning.

Perhaps it started as a lack of food and has continued as the overwhelming sensation of this day.

(nothing is ever underwhelming or just whelming.)

*excerpt from journal*

Life is hard.

It doesn't get any easier as you get older. Maybe eventually you'll know a little more about certain things, but you'll always have trials, always room to grow. Not that you don't want trials; without trials, there is no growth. It's just that sometimes I wish the world would stop spinning so fast.

But it's all about attitude.

*end of excerpt*

I want a lot out of life.

I want to experience all that life has-- to feel and know and love and be.

So I'll take the pain with the pleasure.

I want to please God most of all.

so i will.

despite. everything.

Verse of the Post:

If the salt loses its flavor, it is good for nothing, but to be trodden underfoot. Matthew 5:13