Love.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8 (Amplified Bible) ⁴ Love endures long and is patient and kind; love never is envious nor boils over with jealousy, is not boastful or vainglorious, does not display itself haughtily. ⁵ It is not conceited (arrogant and inflated with pride); it is not rude (unmannerly) and does not act unbecomingly. Love (God's love in us) does not insist on its own rights or its own way, for it is not self-seeking; it is not touchy or fretful or resentful; it takes no account of the evil done to it [it pays no attention to a suffered wrong]. ⁶ It does not rejoice at injustice and unrighteousness, but rejoices when right and truth prevail. ⁷ Love bears up under anything and everything that comes, is ever ready to believe the best of every person, its hopes are fadeless under all circumstances, and it endures everything [without weakening]. ⁸ Love never fails [never fades out or becomes obsolete or comes to an end].

today i wanted to get in a fight.

But i know I'm not called to the ministry of teaching some stupid girl a lesson by breaking her nose.

So I just rolled my eyes, and got convicted.

Why? Because I despised her. I think that a lot of people around me at work act... very foolishly. Very childishly. But who am I (that I can judge or am not guilty) to say what is being childish and who is wrong?

Love endures long. Love (God's love in us) does not insist on its own rights or its own way. [it pays no attention to a suffered wrong] oh verse 7. Love bears up under anything and everything that comes, is ever ready to believe the best of every person, its hopes are fadeless under all circumstances, and it endures everything [without weakening]. Love...never comes to an end--

never stops doing what it was doing before. being kind patient, etc. There is not a line that once people cross, you can act as foolishly as them.

We are told to walk in love. But we are not told to walk in our own love or walk in God's love through our own strength. God is our Strength. His Spirit our Strengthener. So why do we take a defense stance and tighten our fists and prepare to battle the world? Then cry on the floor when it hurts? Oh yeah, the foolish attempt at independence and self-salvation.

When i am weak, He is strong.

The fight is not against flesh and blood.

Offer your bodies as living sacrifices.

Do not conform. Be transformed.

And all of this is not to emphasize the failure on our part (although it is evident and continuous.) It is rather to emphasize His grace. How much more is His love than our judgment- which is no better than the foolish actions and attitudes of the world?

I want to uphold a higher standard. In word and deed, in life lived for Him. I am fine with being targeted and ostracized. But I'm only okay with it, if it's because I'm doing what's right. Throwing my own fit and being persecuted is not justified.

So i didn't punch her in the face. But I didn't run her food, and I told her to do her job and I would do mine. So I guess I get to watch my walk much closer.

I'll let you know how it goes.

(owl city)

eff.

efficient.

effigy.

eff...

i can't think of any other words that start with eff.

seriously though.

I have had a roller coaster weekend.

Friday-down.

Saturday 1:15 pm- up.

Saturday 9:45pm- down.

Sunday 12:00am-up.

Sunday 9:30am- down.

Sunday 12:00pm- up.

Sunday 5:00pm- down.

Now- just tired.

Sigh. Michael, i know you read this, so I'll just talk to you. It was super excellently awesome and fun and fantastic to see you yesterday. I believe you are most definitely one of the closest, most real, most honest, easy to talk to, relaxing, comfortable people I know. Thank you.

But it made me feel so alone, once you were gone.

And I just fell so many times this weekend, I got so frustrated with myself at work and with my attitude and about being so lonely and isolated. Bah. When there are hundreds of people outside my door and one inside with me (who is super cool). So what is this?

Homesickness?

Discouragement?

I want joy.

I don't want laughter from a good joke and then the emptiness returns.

I should not feel this way.

and yet to say that and to be critical of myself and saying that I am better than feeling this way is not helping....

So.

Then.

I.

should....

Find my peace and strength and courage and identity

in something More.

than music

or books or jokes or games or money or pride or ability or food or no food or friends or coffee or anything else that i ever try to be satisfied by (and am disappointed by).

I know.

A lot.

So I should shut my mind up.

and just do it.

Thanks, Nike.

Because that is what is right.

sigh. doing what is right. sometimes, i feel like no one does.

why should i?

because I'll never be happy if i don't.

I'll update soon and let you know how it's going.

God is love and love is real. -mw/oY

Oh, Are you?

Indeed, I am.

at ORU.

Which is very very strange.

It really just keeps hitting me over and over. I'm not just visiting.

I live here.

Weird, I know.

Obviously, it's not Tulsa that is strange to be in, because I've been here for two years coming up next week, but ORU is its own little world. People can go to school here and never leave campus (that would be boring, but whatever).

However, I love it.

As in wake up everyday way before my classes start, walk outside with some ethereal sound in my skullcandy (headphones) and head ever so slowly to my (for the most part) delicious breakfast. Then off to class- stimulating, interesting, challenging classes. Thank you, God! My professors are awesome. Each one is so talented and passionate in his (her) field that it is again challenging to keep up, but so interesting, I am hanging on every word (and writing down all the ones I don't know). I love that the professors (I wrote teachers and had to backspace... We're in college now.) are exactly what I had in mind. My biology instructor is a wonderful, older man who has been at ORU for a hundred years and knows so much, and his hair is a little bit crazy and he has to come back to earth and stop the technical jargon every now and then. My Comp 102 professor, who has a doctorate in English, so Dr. Professor is everything an English teacher should be, an art loving liberal, whose vocabulary stuns my language ability, whose jokes are ingenious puns and ironic expressions. Then he sits there smirking. (I love it. I try not to laugh too hard in the back of the class.)

The class sizes range from 15-100. The classrooms are cool, just because I like the whole college set-up rather than desks in rows with assigned seats, high school, etc.

I do not love the cafeteria. Not because it is or isn't good. I don't like it because it is a cafeteria. You must use a tray or you will drop everything. And you may very well still drop everything. And Everyone will see. I think something happened to me in grade school that has made me wary of these large dining halls....

I like my dorm. For all my fighting and uncertainty, I am very pleased with it. The size of the room is Much larger than I expected; my roommate is super cool, and we get along very well. The people on my floor are awesome; I'm finally getting to know them-- I hid in my room for a little bit there....

Oh and I am really enjoying my humanities class and am really looking forward to the projects, which will hopefully include a swing dance. Yay.

There is more. But I must run to work. Much love!

yay! New post!

Wow.

One for June.

None for July.

One for August.

Thomas.

is.

cool.

cream soda suckers rule!

Ok im tired. Im going to post again soon. something worth reading.

apparently

I'm still not very good at keeping up with a blog.

Mostly because I had begun to discount my writing as simply ranting, and that I did not truly have anything worth writing or reading.

I apologize.

I do know, though, that I enjoy writing,

whether it is good

or not,

or whether you like it

or not.

Updates.

My life.

is simple.

Today I went to Barnes and Noble and read.

I read an entire article about the Jonas Brothers' family-- I like them a lot. Suddenly.

I read an entire article about Johnny Depp (no surprise there) and how amazing cool and creative he is.

Then I read the first several chapters of one of my soon to be favorite books Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. Check it out on amazon.com. You can look inside and read the first chapter. It's so good.

Anyway.

Soooooo the biggest event in my life recently was that I broke up with my boyfriend.

Everyone was a little taken by surprise, I think.

(Sorry 'bout that.)

But it was right.

So I am not sorry about that.

However, it makes me think about purpose and desire and the meanings of things such as love and life and living and loving.

The final thoughts on these subjects (as of today...):

...

*watching the clock tick*

I think that...

when it's right, it'll be right.

End o' story.

Next big thing:

College.

*Ominous music plays*

(Oh! Music! Yay!)

I'm starting at ORU (Yes, I am.) in the fall. So I'm driving on the 6th of august to Arkansas to visit a friend (hope that's cool) and then on to the flatlands on the 7th, where I am knowingly joining the mayhem of a college campus, however renowned, private, and Christian.

It is depressing to think of leaving my family, of living in a closet-sized space with a stranger, and be limited by curfew and RAs (resident advisor... who advises on What exactly?).

:) Don't worry; I'll have a good attitude.

Freedom is not free, as they say,

but in this case, I am paying (highly) for imprisonment.

I am believing, though, for it all to be paid with scholarships and things. So they'll be paying me to come there. Teehee.

(I think I have missed writing....)

There are other things to be announced, examined, and explained, but it will wait.. Hopefully not so long this time.

Tell your friends about my blog, so I'll have motivation to keep writing! :)

lovelovelovelovelove

i know its silly

that i haven't posted in so long.

i feel bad that i haven't.

i need to write.

it's pretty important to me.

i've had a very physically exhausting weekend, and a very emotionally exhausting couple of days.

but this is a really good song and that helps.

it is beautiful outside and that helps.

today i have been pondering too deeply the importance of music in my life.

I love music.

If i could do anything with my life, no restraints, I would be a lead singer and be in a band and make amazing music and tour and make videos and just live music.

alas, i am neither a very good singer nor meant to be an awesome music-producing machine.

so then what is this passion that i question to be so foolish?

i am a perfectionist. hello, nice to meet you.

bah i wish i could just see the better way/attitude/purpose, and go with it. of course, things are not as exciting when they are so easy...

there is so much.

perhaps i will bring method to this madness at a later time. perhaps in april.

for now trampoline...

Wow. Not since November.

I haven't written in awhile,

but

that's because I broke my hand two weeks after my last post.

and

it's hard to type with a broken hand.

it's hard to do a lot of things with a broken hand.

But I went to the doctor (again) on Friday and I am not wearing a cast or brace or anything anymore.

So I am free to type away.

If only my thoughts were not a jumbled circus of emotion and confusion.

But that they would just gracefully dance onto the page to make sense for you

and me.

i feel a lot.

but i think it's very wrong to be led by emotion

and it's my new bad habit

so i'm trying to stop.

so at the moment, i'm not going to write what i feel.

perhaps in a few days i will write what i 

think

or believe

or observe.

Today it is just

hello

im not dead

and i have two hands again.

talk

to

you

soon.