What I've Learned at Bama

First, there is a big world out there. It's full of people and opportunity. No one can limit the experiences.

It's hope, I guess, of the abilities and chances of my life.

Second, I've learned so much about myself. I've learned to be grateful quickly, listen better, stand stronger, and to work harder. I've stopped staring at the feet of my future and am looking a bit more boldly into the eyes of opportunity. 

It is so exhilarating. or intimidating. Either one and both.

Third, people. people. people. are amazing. and horrible. and brilliant. and treacherous. and loved. and so very hard to love.

I'm trying though. Love is my great aim.

Lastly, I have learned; actually I've forced myself to develop an eye to see beauty. Light in darkness. The sweet in the bitter. The joy in the pain. Comfort in loneliness. Blessings among dissatisfaction.

I would like to laugh quicker. To speak kinder. and to shine brighter.

Much love.

Oh and I will post the blog I wrote for a class. It is the story of gaining school spirit.

it is quite

ridiculous that this is the second post on this blog FOR THE YEAR.

it is absurd.

What is playing on my radio!??!?!?! it just started playing rap... on a circa survive cd?

yes. a bonus track.

Switch to the dead weather.

Today was my very first day of class at Bama. So... many things.

Weird to be at such a huge school. I just sat outside watching a hundred

people cross the street at a time.

Great to be in classes of my major, so much opportunity.

Fun to be walking everywhere.

Strange to feel alone in such a crowd. I am intimidated to meet people,

but where do I start??

Nice to know that no matter what I do/wear/listen to/like/don't like, the level of acceptance

or just ignoring thingsis so high here, anything goes...

I am a speck though. I need... something. A niche? A club? A something.

But my mass communications professor looks like Val Kilmer at 28 years old.

It was very entertaining.

have a good evening, friend.

i must speak life.

but I seem to always be babbling.

This particular post is in response to a request for me to blog more.

Also, it is in response to the dryness of life and overflow of expression

that is dehydrating me and leaking from my cracks all at the same time.

I have another blog now, it is called Optimism. It is an attempt.

I believe it might be the Yin to this Yang.

I would like balance in life. Is there?

Also, I would like a grande nonfat pumpkin spice latte and 30 fewer degrees outside.

(christmas)

More soon. I just had to whet my whistle before I can start singing again.

I've already tried crying myself to sleep.

To drain myself of this emotion while also exhausting my energy supply (I was tired) to hopefully fall into something of a restful sleep.

I am so mad. at myself. (tears)

I am a terrible Christian.

I mean, I suppose we all are, all our humanity involved mucks everything up.

But I think that I am a terrible attempt at Christianity. Yes, I'm being hard on myself.

I am just desperate.

Desperate to have purpose and a goal.

To have strength and peace and joy. All these things are promised us, and perhaps it is my ignorance in all this knowledge that keeps me from them. I say, "God, I have this problem." But I never say, "What do You want me to do?" and I surely never stop running around to listen. Someone tie me to a chair. Someone make my brain stop turning. Someone make my heart softer and more open to the GOD I KNOW IS SPEAKING.

God, forgive me for my weakness.

and forgive me for thinking i am strong.

just forgive me.

help me to pick one side, hopefully yours, and not be this lukewarm thing anymore.

I need hope.

I need silence.

I need love.

and knowing all i need, i have less hope that i will ever be anything worth being.

I'm down; sorry for the downer note.

But I've already tried crying myself to sleep.

i want matchbox 20.

because I am a wreck.
I am a mess.
I am a spot on the pavement.

but no one is perfect.
so i'm slowly learning to forgive my mistakes and
give myself a little grace.

I'm also learning to say, "oh well."
i'm trying to learn to enjoy where I am, rather than wish or worry or wonder.

I'm trying to stand on my own two feet.
then i remember i should really be sitting at yours.

i am indistinct.
i see myself all fuzzy and undefined.

I need definition. from.... something.

I'm in such denial.
(no im not.)

i used to be comfortable with myself, confident in my quirkiness. Then i just stopped trying to be different, and now i can't fit in, and i don't know where to go, so i feel like i've lost that confidence. I don't know what i'm supposed to be confident in.

which, i know, is a terrible thing to say, as a Christian. I should be confident in God, and I am confident that God is God. But Who Am I?

i suppose the purpose of defining myself by his word is that it is the only thing that doesn't change.
all the other interests jobs majors schools friends churches and favorite coffee drinks change.

i feel like a pin ball. im everywhere, and just getting hit a lot.

I probably need to run more, if i'm having this much inner energy pile-up. Also I would like to spar, and i believe im going to start doing all my forms as the sun comes up. i am mr. miyagi.

all i see is a small child, whose voice is light and always ingenuous, pointing, saying, there is god, and hoping i follow truth.

but the storm tossing her hair is my life, about to come crashing down in thunder and lightning.

confession.

First note: I’m on a lot of medicine, mostly sleep medicine. I’ll call you in three days when I wake up.

Second: In my delusion of body and clarity of mind, I’ve been having a lot of thoughts. I realized some things… For most of my life, I’ve acted and thought with a religious mindset. Religious meaning to look good because I’m supposed to look good, not because I am passionate about something religious.

This religiosity kept me a shiny, goody-two-shoes throughout middle school and most of high school. But religion is appearance, not heart, and I became an angry-inside, depressed-outside, but still go to church and be on a giddy high for 24 hours teenager. (Church is awesome, but not a substitute for a personal relationship with the God worshipped in service.)

Religion has worn me down, but now I know and recognize it. And I refuse it, but I am left with nothing. I feel like I am starting new, I’m a baby. Not that I am a new Christian; I prayed the prayer a long time ago…. And have been a shiny Christian on the outside since. However, I am now struggling with the inside. I am not a green, living branch, vitally connected, as I should be. I am a massacred limb, hanging by a thread, even as my insides dry out. I am threatened with being cut off, my mediocre color and my lukewarm life are dancing dangerously close to a cliff whose gulley I don’t want to see.

I question purpose, yet do not wait to hear an answer. I wail for direction in daylight and analyze till I sleep in darkness.

I am in conflict. I am in trouble. I have knowledge, and no revelation. I have religion and no relationship. I am what I have always judged and thought myself above.

I wrote in my journal, “I have fallen from the cliffs of morality. My standards are at sea level.”

And I cannot feign ignorance. I must act.

But I hesitate that my actions be motivated by appearance. I want relationship. I want direction. I am drying up without living water, yet I wait so that I do not drink to please people.

I want to want to please God.

Which starts with knowing what He desires. In a heart to heart way. In an “I live and act a certain way in order to please my Father” way.

This is my desire. This is my confession. I have been false. I am being made new. Starting from the inside out.

Dear Lord….

Introspection, slimy with emotion

foul fit of rage,

fury and disgrace.

a cloudy storm of words

and bad attitudes.

a terrible excuse to

cuss, deeply

because it's the only thing

you're thinking.

and all is questioned.

and all is despised.

and all is less.

i have become a hardened person.

introverted. intentionally.

I don't care to know you, cause you will not be there anyway.

I don't accept you, cause I don't accept myself currently.

I judge harshly.

I cling.

Because I'm not good at balancing on my own.

I am analytical.

Logical.

Dogmatic.

Legalistic.

I don't see any reason in dolling up with pretty clothes and doing my hair and makeup everyday, because I don't think there is anyone here to impress. and I don't do it for myself, because i don't care. But I'm jealous of all the girls that do.

I am dissatisfied but know that moving states or schools or getting belts or degrees will not bring satisfaction.

All of this is heart.

All of this is internal.

It's attitude, mindset, outlook.

and it seems that I have asked for so long to have easy situations, instead of asking to be a strong person, that I am not a strong person.

I know a lot. and I talk a good talk.

But i am dissatisfied.

and it's a heart thing.

I want to stand up and dust off all this mess, but I don't want to fall again on the same rock in the same place.

time for a change.....

No, really.