Introspection, slimy with emotion

foul fit of rage,

fury and disgrace.

a cloudy storm of words

and bad attitudes.

a terrible excuse to

cuss, deeply

because it's the only thing

you're thinking.

and all is questioned.

and all is despised.

and all is less.

i have become a hardened person.

introverted. intentionally.

I don't care to know you, cause you will not be there anyway.

I don't accept you, cause I don't accept myself currently.

I judge harshly.

I cling.

Because I'm not good at balancing on my own.

I am analytical.

Logical.

Dogmatic.

Legalistic.

I don't see any reason in dolling up with pretty clothes and doing my hair and makeup everyday, because I don't think there is anyone here to impress. and I don't do it for myself, because i don't care. But I'm jealous of all the girls that do.

I am dissatisfied but know that moving states or schools or getting belts or degrees will not bring satisfaction.

All of this is heart.

All of this is internal.

It's attitude, mindset, outlook.

and it seems that I have asked for so long to have easy situations, instead of asking to be a strong person, that I am not a strong person.

I know a lot. and I talk a good talk.

But i am dissatisfied.

and it's a heart thing.

I want to stand up and dust off all this mess, but I don't want to fall again on the same rock in the same place.

time for a change.....

No, really.

I'm having a hard time.

right now.

all the restrictions and rules and regulations here at school are getting to me.

and i guess i should put into practice my submission and authority class, and "enjoy" the humbling experience.

I guess I'm not one for micromanagement and notarized excuses from your mother to miss a chapel to have a job.

or sleep early on monday nights or sign out on mondays.

curfew. cafeteria. call your mother to ask permission for things.

i should be able to put my pride and the rebellion (that is called witchcraft) under enough to not get really upset by these rules or annoying Inconveniences.

yet i am distressed and really angry and then feel sick and can't sleep, which is very very odd.

yeah i just had to write because i was frustrated/offended/mad/upset/sad/sick in about 5 minutes.

and i don't want to be that person that rebels.

because that wouldn't be a problem on their part, even if they are kind of douche-y about their rules,

it would be a problem on my part...

for not submitting to (God-placed) authority in my life (that does, technically, have some reason for their rules, even if I don't agree)

for having a bad attitude

and for sinning, just because I'm angry.

sigh.

Its just really

hard to be a

decent human

being.

Gray day.

Whenever I start writing, my first thought is "Soooo..." and then I get stuck.

But I have a lot to say today.

Because I felt like I'm going crazy.

When I finally got my brain to stop yelling at me and my stomach to stop twisting,

and basically stop having a panic attack,

I got really mad because I realized every time I say to myself, "Self, I need to dedicate my life more, be sure that my attitudes and actions line up with the Word of God, am being pleasing to Him, am in the right place at the right time, etc." and start to dig in, all the sudden I am slammed. If it were a physical attack, I would have been thrown against a wall and beaten to nearness of non-existence, or at least the wish for. Of course, it wasn't physical; I haven't been punched in the face today. But mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, I feel like i have just been wrung out, and I really don't think I had much there to begin with.

Moving on. That was just an intro.

Because HOPEFULLY, from this rotten (repetitive) experience, I have learned some things.

First, what you put in is what you get out.

Second, Romans 12:1-2 is essential.

Third, if you do everything in your own strength, it will wear out long before everything is complete.

What you put into your mind and heart are what you will get out. I am pretty spoiled with food. I work at Outback- I eat good food, for cheap, whenever I want. It's the saying, "You feed your body three hot meals a day, but your spirit only a cold snack a week," and the story about the two dogs. One dog the owner would starve and then bet money on the other dog, knowing the starving one would be weak and lose. If I starve my spirit, I cannot expect it to be the strong leader in my life.

Which leads me to Romans 12:1-2, which says "I beseech you therefore, brethen, by the mercies of God, that you present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable to God, which is your reasonable service. And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God." Keep your body under and wash your mind with the Word. Neither of which I seem to have been doing lately. My mind thinks it can think anything it wants, so I catch myself daydreaming (a lot) about things (certain things), and thinking words that I shouldn't think (at all). My body thinks it is in charge, drink, eat, sleep, live like an animal, led only by physical instinct, which is repulsive and annoying.

As a born-again, spirit-filled Christian, I... should be fighting this fight. I was going to say I should not be, but I absolutely should be. When you don't have to anymore, come tell me. I should be fighting to keep my mind and body in submission to my spirit. But starting over is HARD. At least, it feels like I am starting over. ...It's my own fault though. Hot meals/cold snack again.

I feel like I've analyzed (harshly) enough for one day.

I won't be a weak person, a hypocritical Christian.

I am a person that can be respected for my discipline, self control, compassion, love walk, love for God, and prayer life.

I want to grow.

I guess that's what this is, and I guess it can be hard some days....

(especially when it's cold and gray outside, and all the music is too loud, and I'm lonely in a crowd.. That's a sad day.)

peace.

the UK is OK

(actually it is splendid and fantastic and wonderful)

Yesterday I was in England.

I have started and deleted my beginnings on this blog four times.

I don't know how to creatively say I loved England, except I really loved England.

The experience was, of course, brought to perfection by the company I kept.

Culture Shock:

Maybe it was all the anticipation and excitement about being in England that left me basically clueless once my feet touched the ground, but I was absolutely without words for a few hours. Then I went to sleep, and it helped. I was also unsure of how it could be SO different.

By the end of the week, it felt just right, but at first, it definitely felt like I was in the worst fitting outfit ever.

Things Same:

There were people who ate food and drank drink. There were buildings with windows and doors, and there were streets with cars on them.

Things Different:

There were people everywhere, walking everywhere, all dressed so cool. (90% of the girls had leggings and microskirts/shorts/shirts.)

The food was good, despite rumors of blandness. Quick Food List: Baked Potato "Jacket", Fish and Chips!, Macaroni Cheese and Broccoli Bake (Delicious), Kebabs, PIZZA (straight from heaven), and some other stuff. I did not have meat pie. I missed out. Oh Well.

The drinks.... They drink often. A pub is home, drinking is hobby, beer is equivalent to soda, drinks specials are everywhere.

The buildings were tall, piled onto each other, and beautiful. Aesthetic effect is equally important as function. I really like statues and sculptures, so the gargoyles (yeah, I knew how to spell that.) on the buildings were so cool. Tom pointed out the different "sides" of the city. There is an older part, with darker buildings, statues, etc, and a more modern part, with more steel and glass buildings.

The streets were... wild. There were lanes, but the lines were not clearly defined; there are speed limits. There are street lights, and they are obeyed (which, yes, is different than this country). It seems like there are a lot of cars, but there are so many buses that the number of cars is kept very low, I'm sure. The buses are huge; the double deckers are really fun, and sitting in the very front is like a roller coaster. Even with the abundance and efficiency of public transportation, most people still walked everywhere. So cool.

What else????

Everyone I talked to went to class for a few (6-10) hours a week and, basically, had the rest of the time free. I really can't even imagine that much free time. I would pry feel lost without a job and requirements on 75% of my time....

Church.... God, religion, faith sadly did not seem to be a vital part of anyone's life. It was really sad. I don't really know what to say about it; it's a choice, but if the choice to not be involved is made as a result of culture and a lack of good churches and ignorance, then it's not really a well-informed decision. People are people; without God, they are lost and looking for something, whether they know it or not.... It kind of stressed me out. I hate being in large groups that I know don't know about Christ. Hell is hot. That's all.

Tom... I don't think I will share more than the fact that I like him a lot. That's all.

Upon Returning to the States:

My first thought was "US SOIL! Thank God!"

My second: "...and US stress. great."

I just realized how long this is. More later, maybe. I'm glad to be home, but I miss all my new and excellent friends in England, none of which are English. I also miss the complete absence of responsibility, but it was a good break and I will use it as a refresher to dig back into this madness and enjoy this time of college and hectic life... with a good attitude and a latte.

Oh and I will add that Italian coffee, made by an Italian, is incredible. Peace.

(Whitby next blog.....)

Love.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8 (Amplified Bible) ⁴ Love endures long and is patient and kind; love never is envious nor boils over with jealousy, is not boastful or vainglorious, does not display itself haughtily. ⁵ It is not conceited (arrogant and inflated with pride); it is not rude (unmannerly) and does not act unbecomingly. Love (God's love in us) does not insist on its own rights or its own way, for it is not self-seeking; it is not touchy or fretful or resentful; it takes no account of the evil done to it [it pays no attention to a suffered wrong]. ⁶ It does not rejoice at injustice and unrighteousness, but rejoices when right and truth prevail. ⁷ Love bears up under anything and everything that comes, is ever ready to believe the best of every person, its hopes are fadeless under all circumstances, and it endures everything [without weakening]. ⁸ Love never fails [never fades out or becomes obsolete or comes to an end].

today i wanted to get in a fight.

But i know I'm not called to the ministry of teaching some stupid girl a lesson by breaking her nose.

So I just rolled my eyes, and got convicted.

Why? Because I despised her. I think that a lot of people around me at work act... very foolishly. Very childishly. But who am I (that I can judge or am not guilty) to say what is being childish and who is wrong?

Love endures long. Love (God's love in us) does not insist on its own rights or its own way. [it pays no attention to a suffered wrong] oh verse 7. Love bears up under anything and everything that comes, is ever ready to believe the best of every person, its hopes are fadeless under all circumstances, and it endures everything [without weakening]. Love...never comes to an end--

never stops doing what it was doing before. being kind patient, etc. There is not a line that once people cross, you can act as foolishly as them.

We are told to walk in love. But we are not told to walk in our own love or walk in God's love through our own strength. God is our Strength. His Spirit our Strengthener. So why do we take a defense stance and tighten our fists and prepare to battle the world? Then cry on the floor when it hurts? Oh yeah, the foolish attempt at independence and self-salvation.

When i am weak, He is strong.

The fight is not against flesh and blood.

Offer your bodies as living sacrifices.

Do not conform. Be transformed.

And all of this is not to emphasize the failure on our part (although it is evident and continuous.) It is rather to emphasize His grace. How much more is His love than our judgment- which is no better than the foolish actions and attitudes of the world?

I want to uphold a higher standard. In word and deed, in life lived for Him. I am fine with being targeted and ostracized. But I'm only okay with it, if it's because I'm doing what's right. Throwing my own fit and being persecuted is not justified.

So i didn't punch her in the face. But I didn't run her food, and I told her to do her job and I would do mine. So I guess I get to watch my walk much closer.

I'll let you know how it goes.

(owl city)

eff.

efficient.

effigy.

eff...

i can't think of any other words that start with eff.

seriously though.

I have had a roller coaster weekend.

Friday-down.

Saturday 1:15 pm- up.

Saturday 9:45pm- down.

Sunday 12:00am-up.

Sunday 9:30am- down.

Sunday 12:00pm- up.

Sunday 5:00pm- down.

Now- just tired.

Sigh. Michael, i know you read this, so I'll just talk to you. It was super excellently awesome and fun and fantastic to see you yesterday. I believe you are most definitely one of the closest, most real, most honest, easy to talk to, relaxing, comfortable people I know. Thank you.

But it made me feel so alone, once you were gone.

And I just fell so many times this weekend, I got so frustrated with myself at work and with my attitude and about being so lonely and isolated. Bah. When there are hundreds of people outside my door and one inside with me (who is super cool). So what is this?

Homesickness?

Discouragement?

I want joy.

I don't want laughter from a good joke and then the emptiness returns.

I should not feel this way.

and yet to say that and to be critical of myself and saying that I am better than feeling this way is not helping....

So.

Then.

I.

should....

Find my peace and strength and courage and identity

in something More.

than music

or books or jokes or games or money or pride or ability or food or no food or friends or coffee or anything else that i ever try to be satisfied by (and am disappointed by).

I know.

A lot.

So I should shut my mind up.

and just do it.

Thanks, Nike.

Because that is what is right.

sigh. doing what is right. sometimes, i feel like no one does.

why should i?

because I'll never be happy if i don't.

I'll update soon and let you know how it's going.

God is love and love is real. -mw/oY

Oh, Are you?

Indeed, I am.

at ORU.

Which is very very strange.

It really just keeps hitting me over and over. I'm not just visiting.

I live here.

Weird, I know.

Obviously, it's not Tulsa that is strange to be in, because I've been here for two years coming up next week, but ORU is its own little world. People can go to school here and never leave campus (that would be boring, but whatever).

However, I love it.

As in wake up everyday way before my classes start, walk outside with some ethereal sound in my skullcandy (headphones) and head ever so slowly to my (for the most part) delicious breakfast. Then off to class- stimulating, interesting, challenging classes. Thank you, God! My professors are awesome. Each one is so talented and passionate in his (her) field that it is again challenging to keep up, but so interesting, I am hanging on every word (and writing down all the ones I don't know). I love that the professors (I wrote teachers and had to backspace... We're in college now.) are exactly what I had in mind. My biology instructor is a wonderful, older man who has been at ORU for a hundred years and knows so much, and his hair is a little bit crazy and he has to come back to earth and stop the technical jargon every now and then. My Comp 102 professor, who has a doctorate in English, so Dr. Professor is everything an English teacher should be, an art loving liberal, whose vocabulary stuns my language ability, whose jokes are ingenious puns and ironic expressions. Then he sits there smirking. (I love it. I try not to laugh too hard in the back of the class.)

The class sizes range from 15-100. The classrooms are cool, just because I like the whole college set-up rather than desks in rows with assigned seats, high school, etc.

I do not love the cafeteria. Not because it is or isn't good. I don't like it because it is a cafeteria. You must use a tray or you will drop everything. And you may very well still drop everything. And Everyone will see. I think something happened to me in grade school that has made me wary of these large dining halls....

I like my dorm. For all my fighting and uncertainty, I am very pleased with it. The size of the room is Much larger than I expected; my roommate is super cool, and we get along very well. The people on my floor are awesome; I'm finally getting to know them-- I hid in my room for a little bit there....

Oh and I am really enjoying my humanities class and am really looking forward to the projects, which will hopefully include a swing dance. Yay.

There is more. But I must run to work. Much love!

yay! New post!

Wow.

One for June.

None for July.

One for August.

Thomas.

is.

cool.

cream soda suckers rule!

Ok im tired. Im going to post again soon. something worth reading.

apparently

I'm still not very good at keeping up with a blog.

Mostly because I had begun to discount my writing as simply ranting, and that I did not truly have anything worth writing or reading.

I apologize.

I do know, though, that I enjoy writing,

whether it is good

or not,

or whether you like it

or not.

Updates.

My life.

is simple.

Today I went to Barnes and Noble and read.

I read an entire article about the Jonas Brothers' family-- I like them a lot. Suddenly.

I read an entire article about Johnny Depp (no surprise there) and how amazing cool and creative he is.

Then I read the first several chapters of one of my soon to be favorite books Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. Check it out on amazon.com. You can look inside and read the first chapter. It's so good.

Anyway.

Soooooo the biggest event in my life recently was that I broke up with my boyfriend.

Everyone was a little taken by surprise, I think.

(Sorry 'bout that.)

But it was right.

So I am not sorry about that.

However, it makes me think about purpose and desire and the meanings of things such as love and life and living and loving.

The final thoughts on these subjects (as of today...):

...

*watching the clock tick*

I think that...

when it's right, it'll be right.

End o' story.

Next big thing:

College.

*Ominous music plays*

(Oh! Music! Yay!)

I'm starting at ORU (Yes, I am.) in the fall. So I'm driving on the 6th of august to Arkansas to visit a friend (hope that's cool) and then on to the flatlands on the 7th, where I am knowingly joining the mayhem of a college campus, however renowned, private, and Christian.

It is depressing to think of leaving my family, of living in a closet-sized space with a stranger, and be limited by curfew and RAs (resident advisor... who advises on What exactly?).

:) Don't worry; I'll have a good attitude.

Freedom is not free, as they say,

but in this case, I am paying (highly) for imprisonment.

I am believing, though, for it all to be paid with scholarships and things. So they'll be paying me to come there. Teehee.

(I think I have missed writing....)

There are other things to be announced, examined, and explained, but it will wait.. Hopefully not so long this time.

Tell your friends about my blog, so I'll have motivation to keep writing! :)

lovelovelovelovelove

i know its silly

that i haven't posted in so long.

i feel bad that i haven't.

i need to write.

it's pretty important to me.

i've had a very physically exhausting weekend, and a very emotionally exhausting couple of days.

but this is a really good song and that helps.

it is beautiful outside and that helps.

today i have been pondering too deeply the importance of music in my life.

I love music.

If i could do anything with my life, no restraints, I would be a lead singer and be in a band and make amazing music and tour and make videos and just live music.

alas, i am neither a very good singer nor meant to be an awesome music-producing machine.

so then what is this passion that i question to be so foolish?

i am a perfectionist. hello, nice to meet you.

bah i wish i could just see the better way/attitude/purpose, and go with it. of course, things are not as exciting when they are so easy...

there is so much.

perhaps i will bring method to this madness at a later time. perhaps in april.

for now trampoline...

Wow. Not since November.

I haven't written in awhile,

but

that's because I broke my hand two weeks after my last post.

and

it's hard to type with a broken hand.

it's hard to do a lot of things with a broken hand.

But I went to the doctor (again) on Friday and I am not wearing a cast or brace or anything anymore.

So I am free to type away.

If only my thoughts were not a jumbled circus of emotion and confusion.

But that they would just gracefully dance onto the page to make sense for you

and me.

i feel a lot.

but i think it's very wrong to be led by emotion

and it's my new bad habit

so i'm trying to stop.

so at the moment, i'm not going to write what i feel.

perhaps in a few days i will write what i 

think

or believe

or observe.

Today it is just

hello

im not dead

and i have two hands again.

talk

to

you

soon.